


the kitten files

by bookhobbit



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Kittens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-10 14:04:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3293084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookhobbit/pseuds/bookhobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sacharissa and Otto bring home a surprise. </p><p>Now with unexpected extra chapters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the box

**Author's Note:**

> Anon asked me for this on tumblr and I figured I'd post it here for fun, and also because there needs to be more fic in newspaper ot3's tag. Remind me to write cuddlefluff for these three, incidentally. Also, I just wrote this in like ten minutes and didn't beta it so like, point out my inevitable typos.

William was standing in the doorway of their apartment, staring. It was quite a nice apartment, really. That was still surprising to William, but the paper was doing well these days. Right now, though, the apartment was not the most surprising thing in his life.

The most surprising thing in his life is: a meowing box.

Sacharissa and Otto turned to look at him with twin expressions of guilt. 

"Hello," said Sacharissa brightly, scooting herself carefully in front of the box.

"I can still hear it," said William, walking in and sitting down next to her. 

"You finished early vis tomorrow’s edition," said Otto.

"I did. And you two apparently had a full day as well. I thought you went to check out a story?"

"We did," began Sacharissa, twiddling her fingers. "And we finished it and brought it in, too. And then we…went home. Because of the box." She gestured, rather needlessly, at the still-meowing box.

"The box which contains kittens."

"Yeees." Sacharissa put her hands on her face. "They were so small. And helpless. And there’s only three and I’m sure we can find homes for them, but…"

"Ve could not leave zem," Otto said. William had no idea that vampires were so interested in pets. Or maybe it was just Otto. "You are not allergic, are you, Villiam?"

"I’m not." William peered cautiously at the box. "We never had cats when I was growing up, though. I don’t quite know how to deal with them."

"Oh, we’ve always had a cat," said Sacharissa, perking up. "I’ll show you." She lifted a tiny ginger ball of fluff out of the box. William stared at it.

"It’s…"

"Yes?"

"It’s so cute.”

Otto was grinning. “You have never seen a kitten before?”

"Not up close and personal." William reached out to it. "Can I - ?"

Sacharissa handed the kitten off, and then reached in the box again, producing a brown tabby and an orange/black/cream blobby one that William thought was a calico. Otto got the tabby and Sacharissa put the calico in her lap. It purred contentedly as it kneaded her skirt.

"They can’t be very old," said William, handling his gingerly. "Do you think they’ll be all right?"

"I believe so. Feeding zem cow’s milk is not zer best, but I am sure we can find something." Otto ruffled the tiny ears of the kitten he was holding.

"We ought to put an advert in the paper," said William as his kitten licked his finger. Its tongue was rougher than he expected, a contrast to its incredibly soft fur.

"Tomorrow," agreed Sacharissa.

"Or zer day after," put in Otto.

"Yes," said William.

Dinner, it turned out, was postponed on account of cats in the laps of the participants. Nobody wanted to get up and disturb them.

It was, they agreed, well worth it.


	2. names

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon requested two more ficlets! This is rapidly becoming a series. This one was actually requested later, but seems to come before, so I'm putting it first.

It was three days after the incident with the box that they admitted to themselves that there wasn’t going to be any ad in the paper.

"Ve should name zem," said Otto. "Ve can’t just keep calling zem Ginger and Tabby and Calico."

"I don’t know," said William. "I rather like Ginger for mine. I think she’s a Ginger."

"Of course she is a ginger," said Otto. "Zat is zer colour of her fur."

"Yes, but I’m not much good at names and she’s used to it now."

"I think mine will be Callie," Sacharissa said. "It’s a nice name and it suits her."

Otto sighed dramatically. “I cannot believe zis. So uncreative.”

"Well, then, Mr. Creativity, what are you going to name yours?"

Otto paused to consider this. “Leviathan,” he decided.

"What?" William frowned. "But he’s tiny!"

"Yes, but he vill not always be."

"It’s quite a name to live up to," said Sacharissa, looking doubtfully at the brown tabby sitting and washing himself on the floor.

"It vill give him aspirations. Unlike some people’s." Otto raised an eyebrow.

"If you say so," William said. "I still like Ginger."

"And I think Callie is perfectly reasonable for a Calico cat."

"Clearly I come from a very different school of pet naming zan zer rest of you."


	3. cuddling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the other one.

It had taken them a while to get the formula right. Sacharissa, for instance, stuck her feet out of the covers while she was asleep, which was disharmonious for the other two. William got uncomfortably hot in the middle, whereas Otto was usually just warm enough. The end result was a cuddling formula that more or less worked. 

It went like this: William on one side, Otto in the middle, Sacharissa on the other side. At present William was facing Otto, who had his face buried in William’s shoulder, and Sacharissa was snuggling against his back. She had her arm stretched out to meet William’s across Otto’s ribs. They were holding hands. No-one’s hair was blocking anyone else’s breathing.

It was, all in all, perfect. 

Until a very, very tiny voice in Sacharissa’s ear said, “Mew.”

A very, very tiny cold nose was pressed to the side of her neck.

"I thought," said Sacharissa severely to Otto’s back, "that nosing your owner was a dog thing."

"She hasn’t had socialization by adult cats," William observed. "Perhaps she hasn’t realized that."

"Do you suppose they want food?" Sacharissa asked.

"I fed zem just before we ended up in here," Otto said. "And zey have water. Zer real question is how zey got up on zer bed."

"They’re learning to jump, I suppose," said William. Tiny kitten paws were walking across him towards Otto like fingers tapping along his side; clearly, this was an encroachment from multiple directions. "It’s very impressive."

"It vould appear," Otto ventured, as Leviathan settled down on his head and began to purr, "Zat zey also vish to cuddle."

"Does that mean we don’t have to get up?" Sacharissa said. Orange ears poking up from behind her suggested that Ginger was the nose culprit, and was trying to find her way to him.

Callie soon joined the quest, clawing her way up the foot of the bed and determinedly making her way to curl against the back of her legs. 

By the time the fur had settled, all three kittens were scattered about the bed, purrs quite loud for their size. 

It was a rather nice soundtrack for cuddling, Sacharissa had to admit.


	4. the iconograph incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt from anon: Ficlet of the kittens reactions to Otto crumbling to dust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, yep, more kitten fic. I got more prompts and took ages to fill them and didn't do one because it requires Research and I'm not sure when I'll get to it, but here, more fluff for you at this difficult time.

When Sacharissa and William got home, Leviathan was mewling sadly at a pile of dust in the middle of the floor. Ginger and Callie were sitting behind the decorative couch throw-pillows Sacharissa liked so much, peeking out occasionally to join in the general high-pitched commotion.  
There was a camera on a stand in front of the pile of dust. Sacharissa sighed.  
"I did think he’d promised to stop doing that when he was alone," she murmered. "He keeps forgetting to replace his emergency vial."  
"At least we got home in time," said William, fetching a piece of raw meat out of the ice-box. "Imagine what would have happened if we hadn’t."  
Leviathan’s disenhearted wailing continued as William carefully dripped the meat onto the pile of dust. It abruptly became a scream as Otto whooshed back to his normal shape, straightening his cravat.  
All three of the kittens were now hiding behind the couch.  
"Damn," said Otto, brushing off his waistcoat. "Zat vasn’t supposed to be a bad one. I vas just going to get a picture of zer kittens sleeping. Zey vere so cute."  
"I thought we talked about this," said Sacharissa severely. "Supposing Ginger had started to play with you? You know she’s the devil for getting into rubbish."  
"Zank you," said Otto, with offended dignity.   
"You know what I mean. It could be dangerous!"  
"I know, I know. I vas just trying to take a little portrait."  
"And now you’ve scared everyone," added William. Otto looked crestfallen. "Oh, no," he said. "Come here, babies." He clicked his tongue. Fuzzy ears entirely failed to emerge from behind the couch.  
"See?" said William.  
"Yes, yes, I take your point," said Otto.   
"It’s only because we love you," said Sacharissa. "We don’t want you to be hurt. I mean, just so long as you don’t do anything that requires the flash, surely you should be all right?"  
"Very vell," sighed Otto. "I vill stop vis zer flash vhen I am alone. Yes?"  
"Thank you," said Sacharissa, kissing his cheek. William kissed the other one, just for good measure, just because he was glad Otto was all right.  
Otto smiled. “Zer compensations are considerable,” he admitted. “Now, let us see if ve can coax the kittens back out.”


	5. closet doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt from anon: William De Worde discovering how cats are about boxes, high places, and sleeping where cats are not meant to be sleeping.

The incident occured some two months after the arrival of the kittens, when William ventured into his tiny home office to get something out of his in-tray. The office consisted of a repurposed walk-in closet, and the in-tray was stored on a high shelf. As usual, it was full.  
Not, however, of paper, which is what it was normally full of. Instead, the paper was scattered across the shelf and all over the floor.  
What it was full of was, primarily, cat.  
"Bother," said William. He thought about this. The situation also warrented a "damn", so he said one.  
"Sacharissa?" he called.  
"Yes?" She appeared in the doorway.  
"Your cat is in my in-tray."  
Sacharissa burst out laughing. “Otto!” she called. “You’ve got to come see this!”  
Otto stuck his head inside the doorway. “Yes?”  
"Look!"  
Otto immediately grinned, and a grinning vampire was a sight to behold. “She has found a new bed, I see!”  
"I have work to do!" said William, staring at the cat.   
"Vell, zere is no changing zer mind of a cat when zey have found a place to sleep."  
"How did she get up there? I know she’s getting big, but it’s so high."  
Sacharissa shook her head and started gathering the papers on the floor. “Very agile, isn’t she? You didn’t see her jumping halfway up the wall yesterday when we had that fly inside. She’s getting so big.”  
William sighed. “I suppose there’s no way to discourage her?”  
"Keep the closet door shut?"  
"I did. I think they collaborate."  
"Leviathan is very clever with his paws," said Otto proudly. "He could probably vork zer doorknob. Or at least pull zer door open."  
"I suppose I’ll just have to find another shelf."  
"Oh, probably." Sacharissa fetched the kitten down. She grumbled loudly as she was lifted from the box. "Cats are incorrigible."


	6. visitors

Moist stared at the cat.

The cat stared at Moist.

“It’s a kitten,” said Adora Belle. “Calm down.”  


“My grandfather was always more of a dog person,” said Moist doubtfully. “I don’t even know how cats work.”  


“They’re just cats,” said William archly. “They work the same as any other animal.”  


Sacharissa gave him a warning glance, the one that meant _don’t start something with our dinner guests, you prat._ William avoided her eyes, because he knew perfectly well that he was going to start something with Moist before the evening was out. It was an inevitable consequence of either of them being in proximity. 

Moist gave him a look. “Have you ever tried to manage a hundred-pound guard dog kept hungry and trained to tear out throats?”

“Have you ever been scratched by three angry kittens at once?”  


Adora’s lips twitched, which William counted as a victory.

“Well,” said Moist, flashing a bright, sincere, entirely untrustworthy smile that William instantly disliked, “Shall we?”

Dinner was….well. There could have been fewer arguments. William was already marshalling his defense to Sacharissa that, on the other hand, there could have been more.

The conversation in his head was not going so well.

But to his complete satisfaction, Moist sat down on the couch and the kittens immediately began to crawl on him. Even more satisfyingly, his charming smile grew just slightly frozen.

It was so nice to see a wrench thrown into the easy path of Moist’s life.

“What are their names?”  


“The two already on you are called Ginger and Callie,” said Sacharissa. “You can figure out who is who, I’m sure.”

“And, ah, what’s this one’s name?” said Moist, wincing as Otto’s cat climbed up on his lap.

“That,” said William casually, “Is Leviathan. Watch out for his claws. They’re wicked.”  


He took a great deal of satisfaction in watching Moist calculate the probabilities of getting out of the house with his trousers intact.


End file.
